why do I

so many excuses, i could get to jive,,but what it boils down to besides a girl boiling cotton in my bed is that Im a fucking human and im fallible...Yoga 'll get u there opiates 'll get you there, but the price is too heavy ive paid it before why have i even one into that place....Like the NA olks old sayin if you dont want to fly dont go to the airport..this is my my most personal and yin yang diary of sorts so this could all conme back to me im trusting in the power of the blogg to set me free the power of the blog, to let me sort out this mess, if your family, Im Ok,,,all i can say Is relapse
combined with a "x-stripper in crimre" who saw mw a million miles away, saw my bleeding heart, saw I needed to understand her, for her.....But did i enireley loose, no....am I paying..yes..am i scard noone will ever beleive or trust me --yes,,do i want to delete all this yes,,,,but this is my lifee..I made decisions I fell ....now picking up the peices,..this time..could be harder cuzz one decision coud've risked my health.....fucking isolation.............fucking methadone.................
fucking system butt-fucking a opiate addicted girl, throwing her to the wolves al the while knowing they were going to get her money..........everyone else tells her no,,,,,,,,,,,,fuck why cant I tell her no
shes begun to rely on my sickness..........her mind is not stable....she has 0 direction.....I didnt want it to go so far..I dint want sex, i wanted no rewaard, but drivn down the insterstate in zen while she gently massages my neck....

the freind i found could have a million faces
Im the only one thatgives in too her
shes left me
penniless'
my last dime spent so she wouldnt hurt
I of course made this decision,
but I gained the same old knowledge
I learned what not to do...
I was on a track.
things were movin
I was learnin'
meeting people
getting recognition..
now i must stop.,,,,theres no choice
shell go on to the nextguy
sucking his bank roll dry

god i was doin so good
it couldve been worse
much worse
im ashamed at my own feet

that I let her come between
that let her have power over me
when all she wanted was
to numb all of her feelings

never happenned
she could be on deaths door
still wantin more''

buzzin my door
at 7
than callin at 11 every 10 minutes
lookin to score
im not the man

what you said you wanted
i got

than you changed
forgot]
didnt care

and left me with your pain

I took it into my body
listened to you cry'
I let you alone

and let you cry

but your tears]
cost me years
of knowledge

drips in a bucket]
spalshed over the top
you got high and knocked it over

and i didnt care
well,
we must
I must go on\]
i dont want to see you slit your wrists

i cant scrambeled in this buti already am.
Ive come to far]
to let out all my secrets