hacked & whacked

link to portland most wanted
there's a photo of a guy cashing a check

strange as it resembles me.....
what would u do if u knew u were
beeing watched...ur car door found popped open.....
same cars same people
who could u tell
who'd believe u
beyond doubt

& if u do tell someone
it 'd ...they write u off
how alone
too many coincidences

what could it be
who said what
that snowballed
..........what mistake has cost
such vulnerbility
privacy.....
don't take it for granted
only if it happenned to u
howd u feel.....when ur evidence....doesnt cut it...
and ur seen as just skitzo.....
don't get caught in the eye of technology....
one against many.
a fight u cannnot wiñ
on any level
kee¶p it inside
is worse
many forces
unseen
awareness
sux
will I ever escape
or be given respect to my
ability to feel this ..electric sense
sixth sense
some days I can try to convince myself ...it s a dream till that same white van sits outside



for the ones who don't entertain my hell...& write it off as my irreaponsibility....you can not know. no matter how prophetic u may be..you deny ones trauma
if I hear why would someone spwnd so much energy on me again....noone knows.....its happennig...more than I know...
ignoring makes it calmer....but their voices react to my life......
quiet...listening.......i found a spot that had a wire embedded....and a metal small device....the wood is newer.....both neighbors moved.....
noises above.....empty apt.
I found many survelliance devices.....chased someone.....
hear 2 talking .......
never leave sat sun fri......alqays there and listening.......
I had to go I felalt sick...
they see me mastwrbate shower...i know there watching...i sense it
how do I paint or relax.
I left to a hotel
I am going to the pd...if in the am the devices arégone

above me
and both sides.

I feel their precense
have some faith in my judgment
think the worst no think its my doing no........talk to me
you'll know and I need help...but u doubt...
weird shit happwnns
when I need I u u dissapwae

beard a self portrait

You have a Picture Mail from brianbaker51@pm.sprint.com

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american

what makes an american.
what makes me an american
what is my story
what is your story
Id tell you, but you didnt ask,

Im done pretending
to be nervous
or to give a f***
that you dont approve of my percieved life

thing is
its none of your business
and has never been.

ill be nice to you
no matter what...

ill be nice if u kick me in the back.
ill trust you have a conciounce.
whoever you is.

what did I do
annyway my concsious is clear
if you threaten my home. my privacy
i will defend my privacy with my life

Skitzo meets underworld

Before I awoke I had fell from the school style bus. After watching two jump a leap as high as the golden gate from the water.. I simply intended to watch. B4 I knew it I had fallen w/out a reason. The fall was livable...thoughts like "fuck" went through my mind...but I hit the water.....and awoke so far underneath the water....and so week ...w/ no energy to swim to the surface...the struggle to go deeper exhausted me..& the time it took took my breath...I flipped my arms in circles...trying to think about making it to the surface ... In an instant fear took over...the surface too far reasoning.... elemental downward forces. no more air .
all I can take
no rescue.
I was pushed
I would rather die.
kill me
I give up...my end is here...one more
noise one more
car
one more shred of doubt
I'm ready
they pushed
I can only take so much
shoot me
but if not
than let me be
or ill take my odds w GOD
I'm a good person who's made mistakes.
I admit
I'm too weak
drowned .....
its done or I cannot go on.

no time for regret

get busy livin or get busy dyin. my brother always said. few times in my life have I regretted my words.

but I cannot be alive and have hate for another.
I cannot breathe a breath if my mirror doesn't reflect what I see.
but I do
I cannot exhist and know i've not done my best but I do.
I cannot lie or cause pain..and live w myself but I will
I cannot live and lie
but lies will be said.
I cannot be arrogant but
its how I appear
I cannot live w fear
but my fear is deep.
how can I love w/o living as if.
every child and woman
trusts my name.
I do
how do I live.
I can't live and not try
but why do I stay
where I fear
where hermits dwell
only to be a hermit
but stuck in his dream
hermit floating
on a parade of paranoid eyes
I want to be included.
I want you to like me
I want so much
but how did I become this stuck.

every day a strangers eye tells me...im no suprisem
every day my guilt of shame is
written in the sky.
all watch me fall
theyvwatch me in my sleep
at my most private moment
they stick scopes inside me.

why