Skitzo meets underworld

Before I awoke I had fell from the school style bus. After watching two jump a leap as high as the golden gate from the water.. I simply intended to watch. B4 I knew it I had fallen w/out a reason. The fall was livable...thoughts like "fuck" went through my mind...but I hit the water.....and awoke so far underneath the water....and so week ...w/ no energy to swim to the surface...the struggle to go deeper exhausted me..& the time it took took my breath...I flipped my arms in circles...trying to think about making it to the surface ... In an instant fear took over...the surface too far reasoning.... elemental downward forces. no more air .
all I can take
no rescue.
I was pushed
I would rather die.
kill me
I give up...my end is here...one more
noise one more
car
one more shred of doubt
I'm ready
they pushed
I can only take so much
shoot me
but if not
than let me be
or ill take my odds w GOD
I'm a good person who's made mistakes.
I admit
I'm too weak
drowned .....
its done or I cannot go on.

no time for regret

get busy livin or get busy dyin. my brother always said. few times in my life have I regretted my words.

but I cannot be alive and have hate for another.
I cannot breathe a breath if my mirror doesn't reflect what I see.
but I do
I cannot exhist and know i've not done my best but I do.
I cannot lie or cause pain..and live w myself but I will
I cannot live and lie
but lies will be said.
I cannot be arrogant but
its how I appear
I cannot live w fear
but my fear is deep.
how can I love w/o living as if.
every child and woman
trusts my name.
I do
how do I live.
I can't live and not try
but why do I stay
where I fear
where hermits dwell
only to be a hermit
but stuck in his dream
hermit floating
on a parade of paranoid eyes
I want to be included.
I want you to like me
I want so much
but how did I become this stuck.

every day a strangers eye tells me...im no suprisem
every day my guilt of shame is
written in the sky.
all watch me fall
theyvwatch me in my sleep
at my most private moment
they stick scopes inside me.

why

I dreamed I put on Kilbeys shoes which were striped and one size to big. Mark seemed concerned: though to me they fit just fine, & I doubted steve would even notice.

ancient archytype

I saw him before I saw him....he looked me over to see if I was the one....goatee its no mistake.....he was above looking down...does he posess the power...his gaze said.....

Through my hands......A painting made, perhaps a connection to life, perhaps an age old phenomenona' as famous songwriter & lyricist- bass player & painter expressed @ http://www. thetimebeeing.blogspot.com
....how after his dad bought him his first bass guitar- an old black man 's spirit overlapped w/ his.....all of sudden he was slapping the strings.....getting into fights...but he taught him the bass.....perhaps "chris" isn't the painter spirit but my own..I feel I've an old spirit....as in my youth ..never fealt quite youthful....a seriousness that goes with maturing seems to be an underlying impression...But no memory of living or direct awareness of it.vision of my..... if ya die early..ya wannacome back....no Od is a comfortable way to pass.
suicide is asking for more misery. lifes so sad that jumping off the golden gate is a decision for so many. The Bridge a documentry on jumpers is quite heart wrenching...wind surfers below....enjoying life to its fullest....few feet beyond a body splashes followed by a flair.

Ior death is ever going to make u satisafied...you take ur addictions w u.......he told me I was powerful.....perhaps my power creates a connwction to thinhs like paimting ......I fealt a taste of death my painting says death....the first person remarked........-
how much there is...but death is nothing big.....hard to telll ur gone except u can fly...but noone can hear u...i imagind fimding someone who senses u to be a find....as I'd be loneley as hell.....hes a good guy.....my friend chris.....better friend thañ annyone ;alive in my life.I know.....he looks out for my spirit and knows to not scare..as once I sont like....but he's not always here.....he comeßs now'n than.....mystery unfolded a bit mo
re
goodnihht..and googluck
B Raine& Chris